There are moments in life that knock the wind out of you. When all the hoping, the planning, the pushing through, leads to heartbreak instead of joy. A failed IVF cycle is one of those moments.
You’ve given everything—your energy, your body, your resilience, your most tender hopes—only to hear the words you dreaded.
“We didn’t retrieve any eggs.”
“There are no mature embryos.”
“Unfortunately, the transfer was unsuccessful.”
“I’m sorry to report you are experiencing a miscarriage after the transfer.”
Maybe you’re in total shock, disbelief, furious, overwhelmed, or totally numb. And you probably don’t even have the words yet to describe what this pain feels like.
You Are Not Alone
I was honored to be shown the most beautiful text conversation between two friends, Amelia and Hazel, after Amelia’s loss of hope for pregnancy through IVF. With their permission, here are the honest, real, heartfelt words from both of them. I hope, through their courage, you might feel seen. (The names provided have been changed to preserve anonymity.)
Your IVF Grief Is Real
Amelia:
“I had a sliver of a moment of courage to string some words together. So here it goes. I’m just in complete shock and totally frozen. I can barely believe what just happened. It’s like we’ve barely caught our breath with all the health issues. I mean, we knew it was a possibility my ovary wouldn’t respond, but it was looking so hopeful. It’s just too much to bear. And I’m just embarrassed. I want to give friends something to celebrate, not more to grieve.
Then from a physical standpoint, my body will still be recovering from the 48 injections in 8 days for the next two weeks. Pain, nausea, cramping, aching, bruises. Yesterday was non-stop panic attacks, my whole self is just in terror from the intensity and impact it’s been through. I just have no clue what the recovery road will be like, and I’m so scared.”
If these words resonate with you—if you feel that same ache in your bones, that same weight in your chest—please know: your grief is real. It is heavy, it is complicated, and it is uniquely yours to feel.
Why IVF Loss Stays with You
The pain of IVF failure is not just about a singular moment of bad news. It’s about everything that came before it—the appointments, the medications, the endless waiting, the bravery it took to try, the dreams you carried, the love you poured into this process.
Then it’s about what happens next, when your body and heart still aches, when you have questions and decisions to make, when the unknowns stack up but life keeps moving forward as if nothing has changed. And after EVERYTHING… you are right back in the waiting room of longing.
A Friend’s Reminder That You Are Enough
If you feel embarrassed, if you feel like you’ve let yourself and your loved ones down, here are the real-life words from Hazel to remind you of your worth.
Hazel:
“The rational side of me knows there is absolutely nothing you could do to control your ovary’s response, but the other side of me truly understands the embarrassment you feel and sits in it with you. I hope at some point you can feel proud of the amount of courage and faith it takes to go through the process even knowing it could wreck you emotionally and physically. That’s something to be big proud of and a reason I cherish who you are. To me, that defines you more than the ovary. Dang, I’m so proud of you. I’ll be proud of you while you can’t feel proud of yourself right now and maybe one day you will see it.
I can only tell you how much I’m thinking about you, how I’m grieving with you, and how I’m desperate for you to feel like yourself and feel comfortable in your body again one day (no rush). I love who you are so dearly and I will continue to, no matter how dark or light you feel. You, to me, are light, even when you can’t see it. I’ll reflect it back to you when you can’t.
This sounds cheesy but I mean every word so genuinely that I am at work by myself tearing up. I pray multiple times a day to take some of the darkness from you and let me wear it for a moment so you can catch your breath (I think of that cursed locket they have to wear and pass around in Harry Potter).
You owe me absolutely nothing; nothing to celebrate, nothing to hope for, no happy news, nothing. You consistently chose to give me deep loyalty and kindness and a listening ear and laughter and thoughtfulness and beauty. You make me feel seen. That defines you. What would our friendship be if I didn’t feel pain with you? It wouldn’t be real. So don’t feel bad or guilty about what I feel with you. I want to. I ask for it. I pray for it. And I’m strong enough right now to hold it with you.”
Giving Your Heartache Room to Breathe
You are not a burden. You do not have to pretend. You do not owe anyone a silver lining.
Right now, you don’t have to be okay. You don’t have to know what comes next. You don’t have to carry this grief on your own.
There is no rush to move forward. No timeline for healing. No expectation for you be anywhere other than where you are at this moment.
You Are Still You
If your heart is hurting, I hope you feel the love woven into these words. And I hope, even in the pain, you remember:
You are still you.
You have value.
You got guts.
And you are deeply, deeply loved.
