Compassionate Statements and Questions to Stay Connected
As a therapist, I’ve had the privilege of sitting with so many incredible women navigating infertility. I’ve heard their stories, held space for their grief, and witnessed the loneliness that often comes with this journey. The truth is, infertility doesn’t just affect someone physically—it seeps into relationships, mental health, identity, and even day-to-day interactions in ways that most people don’t see.
One thing I hear over and over again? “I just wish people knew how to support me.”
You know your loved one needs support, but you’re terrified of saying the wrong things. Don’t throw in the towel my friend!
If you have a loved one, or friend experiencing infertility, it is understandable that you might feel stuck, unsure of what to say or how to show up for them. Maybe you’re so scared of saying the wrong thing you end up saying nothing at all. I really get it. When someone we love is hurting, we don’t want to make it worse.
But here’s the thing—silence might seem like the safest route, but it can actually feel painful. When people avoid asking questions or don’t acknowledge what someone is going through, it can add to the isolation. Infertility is already lonely, and feeling like no one sees or knows how to check in makes it even harder. If you’re here, that means you care—and that’s a great place to start.
So let’s talk about ways to support your loved one with warmth, compassion, and presence—without the pressure of finding the “perfect” words.
What to Say: Simple but Meaningful Ways to Show Support
1. “I’m here for you, no matter what. Is there anything that could be helpful or supportive right now?”
This is one of the most reassuring things you can say and ask. Infertility is full of unknowns, and knowing they have steady, unconditional support means the world. Sometimes people don’t know what they need, but more often than not, simply asking if they need anything means a lot.
2. “That sounds really hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are so strong and resilient, and I’m sorry you have had to be.”
You don’t need to fix anything (seriously, put the toolbox away). Just acknowledging their pain is enough.
3. “Would you like to talk about it? I want to hear what you are going through.”
Giving them the space to share (or not) lets them take the lead in the conversation. Some days they might want to vent, other days they might need a distraction. Either way, letting them know you’re open to listening is huge.
4. “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I care about you, and I want to learn from you.”
If you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, this is a great way to be honest while still offering support.
5. “Thinking of you today—no need to respond.”
A simple text like this shows you’re there without adding any pressure. Even if they don’t reply, I promise they’ll appreciate it. A simple text like this says, “Hey, I see you” without demanding emotional energy. Bonus points if you send a funny meme, a dog video, or an Uber Eats gift card for emergency ice cream.
Be Cautious if You’re Considering Saying the Following (And What to Say Instead)
1. “I have a friend who went through infertility, and this was her experience…”
While you might think sharing someone else’s journey is helpful, it can actually feel disconnecting. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that storytelling is never helpful, and your friend might want to hear about someone’s experience to feel less lonely, but please ask before you offer. Every experience with infertility is deeply personal. It is best to be an empathetic witness for their unique emotions and struggles. Instead of offering a comparison, try:
- “I have a friend who has been through something similar, but I’d love to hear what this experience has been like for you.”
2. “Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase is often meant to be comforting, but when someone is facing infertility, it can feel dismissive of their pain. It suggests that their struggle is part of some greater plan, which can be hard to hear when they are in the middle of heartache. Infertility is not a Pinterest quote. While this might be meant as encouragement, it can feel like a way of brushing off the pain. Instead try:
- “This is so unfair, and I’m really sorry you’re going through it.”
3. “God’s timing is perfect.”
For many, faith is a source of deep comfort, but this phrase can sometimes feel like a spiritual Band-Aid over a complex and painful wound. Even if you genuinely believe this to be true, it can unintentionally dismiss the weight of the present moment—one that may be filled with grief, longing, and uncertainty.
Your loved one needs support in this moment, not just reassurance about what might come. Sitting with someone in their pain isn’t always easy, and if you find yourself wanting to fix, minimize, or avoid their grief, it may be worth exploring your own relationship with emotional discomfort. If holding space for uncertainty feels overwhelming, that’s okay—it’s just a sign that there might be some inner work calling for your attention. And the truth is, your loved one can likely sense when their pain makes others uneasy. Just being present—without trying to explain away their experience—can be one of the greatest gifts you offer. Instead of focusing on future timing, offer comfort in the present:
- “I’m here with you in this, and I see how hard this is.”
4. “You can always adopt!”
Adoption is beautiful, but it’s not simple, and it’s not a “solution” to an unmet longing. It’s a deeply personal and complicated choice with its own emotional, financial, and spiritual elements to explore and reflect on. Assuming it’s an easy “fix” can feel invalidating of their current pain and complex grief. If you are wondering and want to lean in, humbly ASK if they are considering adoption. Instead of assuming, ask with care:
- “I know this is a personal decision, and you might not have an answer or the capacity to even think about other options, but have you been considering adoption? I just want to be in this with you. I am here to support you whatever stage you are in.”
Other Ways to Show Up for Them
- Be mindful of triggers. Pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and even casual questions like “When are you having kids?” can be painful. You don’t have to tiptoe, but a little sensitivity helps.
- Offer practical support. If they’re going through treatments, recovering from a disappointing result or loss, they might appreciate a meal drop-off, a ride, or even just a fun, no-pressure hangout. When in doubt, ASK!
- Stick around. Infertility can be a long road. Checking in beyond the first conversation makes a real difference.
The Best Support? Simply Showing Up.
At the end of the day, you don’t need perfect words or grand gestures. If you’re ever in doubt, just ask, “How are you doing?” Listen. Show kindness. And remind them they don’t have to walk this road alone.
